I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
