I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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