Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
