Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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