We won't sleep together?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
