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That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
