best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
