3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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