i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
