you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
