i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
