Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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