i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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