So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
