nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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