i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
