70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
