I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
