my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
