I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
