He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
