Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
