I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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