Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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