So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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