I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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