Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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