You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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