the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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