we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
