mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
