thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
