I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
