I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
