If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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