There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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