so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
