ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
