My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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