just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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