i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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