The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
