Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
