Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
