Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
