Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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