my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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