If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
