Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
