i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I want her autograph on my taint
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
