Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You made out with two different species that night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I need water and some morals
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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