Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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