Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
only you would photoshop your dick
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You are a genius and a whore.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
