Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
