I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
